I have a confession to make: I am a closet gangsta rap fan. I know that it probably seems that this is one of those instances where I am making an attempt at humor, but I really am a rap fan and at the top of my list of favorites (which includes Immortal Technique and Tupac) is the infamous Eminem. Not only does he have enough gangsta flavor on some songs to make me pretend I’m a badass behind the wheel of my minivan after I drop the kids off, he is just plain hysterical sometimes. Its like getting two flavors for one, a hip-hop, comedy Reeses if you will. I am aware that all of the above named artists would likely be ashamed to include me in their fan base, and I also realize that I frequently look ridiculous behind the wheel when indulging my musical tastes, but the social commentary provided in almost all music makes this particular genre hard to resist.
Recently, Eminem has gotten a lot of press over his song with Rihanna “Love the Way You Lie”, and its portrayal of the cycle of domestic violence. Some have said that it is a brilliant and accurate depiction of the cycle, some have praised him for sparking a conversation about the dangers among young people, and some have just been downright nasty about attacking him for glorifying the subject. The latter are those who I believe need to go sit on a tack, not because I would like to eat M&M’s off of Eminem’s rock hard, now drug-free abs, but because in my opinion their views of domestic violence are sexist.
In fact, I think that the way most of us in the social work field treat domestic violence is extremely sexist and it bothers me so much that this attitude is so prevalent that I can only express my true opinion within the anonymity of an internet blog.
As a result of this controversy, it was stated by prominent women’s advocates that only 2 year olds and violent men use violence to get what they want. Apparently, these people never met half of my female clients. Now, before all of you social workers get your panties and one pair of briefs in a bunch, let me say that I do believe there is a good deal of domestic violence that is reflective of the classic sort we learn about. Man controls woman, woman is abused, woman is too weak/poor/scared to leave. However, I also believe that brand of domestic violence is a species in danger of extinction.
Women are now in a position in our society to be the abusers, and more and more it is so. Many women who would not have had the resources in place 20 years ago to successfully leave their husbands can do so now, and be fully supported in doing so. In many of the cases I have seen, the violence has indeed been mutual contrary to popular and widely held assumptions. In many other cases, the woman has been just as emotionally abusive as the man in the relationship, and although it is taboo to ever say that a woman ‘incites’ domestic violence, we all know that it does happen frequently. I know there is no excuse for physical violence; I do realize the danger in this attitude, and am well versed in not blaming the victim in any situation. I just think that in something as complicated as domestic violence, it is also just as dangerous to not consider each member a victim of their own environment and circumstances.
The only thing we are accomplishing in demonizing men for things such as domestic violence is an eventual backlash from men and women who recognize the unfairness of this attitude. We are also excusing and removing any role that women may play in the process, and therefore not actually finding effective solutions.
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