The Anti-Social Workers

Is it just me, or are there a lot of social workers that aren’t very social, or work oriented for that matter? I thought I would attempt to sort through some of the categories of social workers that should find a new profession. I mean, let’s face it, some folks just are not cut out for taking on all the ills of society. It doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes them make all of us look like bad people. Now, I know that I do my best to keep my anonymity when posting anything on the internet, but I write this entry with great fear that someone who knows someone who knows somewhat who I am will read it and assume I am talking about them. Just so you know, I am : ) In all seriousness, if you think you see yourself in any of the categories below, please exit this ride to your left and enjoy the rest of your life.

The Debutante

This is that chick that grew up privileged and wealthy, who really does want world peace, so she nobly gets a job that she thinks will help save humanity. She didn’t realize that saving humanity would require her to walk in neighborhoods that might steal the silicone from her breasts. She was never told that she might have to be nice to children who were covered in dirt and smelled like eggs. She somehow envisioned that she would only be saving pretty people who would share in her appreciation of a fabulous conditioner. Most of these debutantes do not really come from wealth at all, but honestly believe they do. While their hearts are in the right place, and I really do appreciate that they wanted to help, they should put their talents to something they have the stomach for, like fundraising for world peace.

The Lazy Bum

We all know that even the greatest, hardest social worker will get behind on their work due to time constraints, too many cases, not enough workers and a lack of funding (thanks, congress, really) but that is not who I am referring to. I am referring to the lazy bum who pretends to be working all the time but just isn’t. I am talking about the worker that spends more time wasting time than not. For example, consider the worker that plays games on their desktop all day, or the one that goes out on a case and really ends up at the mall three counties away so that nobody sees them not working. They falsify documents as well as their timesheets and will seldom be caught because everyone else actually is too busy to notice. If this is you, do me a favor: raise both hands in the air perpendicular to your face and then swing each of them, one after the other, in line with your jaw line. Thanks.

The Power Tripper

I know that it seems contradictory to social work, but that is precisely my point. I have, throughout my years, seen various workers that actually get off on the fact that they are in a perceived position of authority over their clients. Perhaps they look too much like Betty Crocker to be taken seriously in law enforcement or maybe they have some delusions as to the power that they actually do have, but it happens. They usually make life miserable for their clients and are even less productive than the debutantes or the lazy bums because they can actually do further damage to people’s lives that the rest of us then have to undo. Also, unlike the previous two categories, these people usually never have good intentions in the first place. If you come across a true power tripper, you must suggest to them that you believe their talents should not be wasted in this field. Talk them into going into law enforcement, government, or a lion’s den. I know that if they take your advice they will likely be shot, defeated or chewed to bits but just remember that it’s for the greater good.

Munchausen Mother Theresa

You know they are out there. They take a run of the mill social work case and turn it into a devastating tragedy in their minds. By some cruel fate they are always seem to be working with the characters from a Lifetime movie. They turn children into victims, patients into appellants, well meaning relatives into murder suspects, and drag one month cases on for years. While it is my opinion that this category is the least annoying and dangerous of all I’ve listed, you should still prepare yourself for the fact that they probably aren’t going anywhere. There is just enough real tragedy in the field to keep them interested, and we can only hope that in between imagining things they manage to get their work done.

If none of the above definitions fit you to a tee, congratulations!!! You most likely pass muster for not being the cause of my migraines. Please remember that it is your duty to identify those who do and quickly formulate a plan to eliminate them from the profession. You know, right after you finish all of the other work you have to do.